Some Pottery Barn Hand Towel
I fancy myself as a towel connoisseur of sorts, so while my friends were shopping at Hot Topic in the neighborhood mall, I decided to hunt for the perfect hand towel. Being of older age, my wrists tend to hurt when the rain decides to make an appearance or while I undergo decompression in the local hyperbaric chamber. As a result, my preference in hand towel leans toward soft, delicate fabric that would make a baby blush. A sales representative for the mall’s Pottery Barn directed me toward a particular hand towel that piqued my interest. It was only a matter of time til I reunited with my neo-goth, retro-emo friends and we all hopped into Franklin’s repurposed party van. Once I arrived at home, my test runs of this Pottery Barn hand towel had begun.
Um, let me see if I can find the receipt. Hmm, I think I put it in this drawer over here; I usually keep my receipts and prescription medication in there. You know, every time I mention that it seems kinda funny - like why put my medicine next to receipts I rarely need, right? Anyway, I’m not seeing it in this stack of receipts… Oh! Sometimes I toss receipts on the coffee table if I don’t have time to put them in that drawer. One second. Okay, pardon the mess, I don’t usually have guests over. Especially not during a pandemic! Just… ignore that; it’s my medicinal marijuana that I use for pain. I don’t vape or anything. Huh, I could have sworn it would be here. I mean… maybe I left it at the mall or with my friends? Anyway, I don’t remember it being super expensive. It’s a hand towel, c’mon, it’s gotta be like fifteen dollars at most, right?
Let me be completely honest with you: I knew about this Potter’s Barn hand towel well before the attractive female sales representative seduced me to buy it. This product has a harrowing and intriguing past that would make a full-grown man in a baby costume blush. The history of this remarkable hand towel begins with the lifetime achievement of a stunt coordinator and ends with the passing of important anti-trust legislation in the early 2010’s.
Trevor “McShit Face” Sam
Trevor Sam, who often went by the alias “McShit Face”, was a highly-regarded stunt performer and coordinator for blockbuster movies in the late 1980’s and 1990’s. Readers may have unknowingly witnessed some of his work in movies like the critically-acclaimed “Haiku Tunnel”. Mr. Sam is a pioneer of stunts involving motocross even in films which do not feature motocross themes. His secret is in the subtlety - by timing some dope ass jumps and tricks to occur between takes of a movie scene, he can make minor alterations to the set which will become visible once the next scene is shot.
In a 1994 interview with “McShit Face”, a reporter asked him which brand of hand towel he uses to wipe his face after every stunt he performs or coordinates. Mr. Sam’s response was “Barnery Pott”. Being a fan of his work, I knew his words carried much weight when it came to product recommendations. That is why I have reviewed anything from the infamous Ten Loco alcoholic energy drink banned in the United Kingdom to expensive, Freestyle-brand motorcycles with custom modifications to their back wheel.
Unfortunately, Trevor Sam passed away in 2017 due to complications. While his legacy of motocross stunts may have reached an end, his wise selection of various merchandise will always resonate with me. Please Mr. Sam, if you can hear me from beyond this mortal coil, [insert sentiment here].
The Hand Towel Act of 2012
Around 2008, an interesting economic development was occurring on the island of Panama. A shrewd business man by the name Emanuel Lisbalcum discovered two very important facts: The Philippines had just entered a period of disinflation, but the price of its hand towels was still trending upward. This situation seemed to contradict classical economic models, but Dr. Lisbalcum (doctor of business) had previously encountered similar dilemmas in his field of business - rice and beans.
You see, rice and beans is a perishable commodity with an inelastic demand curve. In periods of disinformation, Dr. Lisbalcum would encourage consumers to stock up on rice and beans before its price reached absurd values. In 1985, he successfully prevented a stock market crash in Puerto Rico with his market-wide strategy of “buying in bulk”. In February of 2009, Dr. Lisbalcum saw echoes of this previous event reflected in the hand towel market.
Under the guidance of Dr. Lisbalcum, citizens purchased hand towels in bulk to prevent a market crash. As fate would have it, everyone happened to purchase the exact same Harry Pottery Barn brand of hand towel. This effectively made Pottery Barn a bank in the Dominican Republic with hand towels as its printed currency of choice. Chaos ensued and the people were not very happy.
Someone had to stop this madness! So they did - with anti-trust legislation that basically said “hey everyone, stop using these Penthouse Barn hand towels as currency; we have perfectly good printed currency already”. The people agreed and were more happy than before. And that is why the Virgin Islands serve as a tax haven to this day. A little factoid for you there.
The Towel In Action
With that history lesson out of the way, allow me to transport the narrative back to my modest home with my curiosity of a hand towel. My excitement was immaculate as I positioned the towel directly above the wrinkly, cracked surface that was my skin. On first contact, I was greeted with a pleasant sensation, but soon realized my antidepressants had coincidentally just taken effect. This PB hand towel was slightly better than average. Reconstructing and performing the test case again, I discovered the hand towel was merely “good enough” to serve as one’s personal hand towel. I was not disappointed, but I was ashamed.
Observant readers and eye-seers will notice a blue tint enshrouding the fabric of this towel. This is not the condition under which the towel was purchased: my laundry was by chance in progress when I entered my house, so I decided to include this Peanut Butter and Jelly hand towel in the load of assorted cloth and fabric objects. I own fifty seven pairs of jeans. I wash all of them on the 17th of each month. Therefore, this hand towel made quick company with disproportionate quantities of blue dye within minutes of being welcomed in my domocile. For my sins of being an abysmal host, I have accepted my punishment of sitting cross-legged for 5 hours.
The absorptive properties of this towel leave about one-third of a hand towel to be desired. Water is indeed accumulated in its glorious threads, but for every two hundred seventy two drops of water inserted, one fat glob of water is shit out. Spraying the towel with hydrophobic coatings only exacerbated the problem. My recommendation is to prime this towel by first introducing it to light water, then switching to normal water when it expresses comfort, and finally giving it the heavy water all towels crave. I do not give medical advise - I am not a licensed medical practitioner.
My Coworker is a Coward and a Sellout
You ever go over to a friend’s house and they have absolutely ruined the decor with pictures of various prescription medication or diagrams of novel medical procedures? This was the case about a month ago when I visited the home of a fellow towel reviewer for this very website. I won’t say their name, but know that their writing style is very distinct and absolutely SPINELESS. I have no respect for this BIG PHARMA SHILL who disguises themself in the clothes and skin of a normal human being. Every article they manufacture nets them a disgusting amount of personal wealth that they probably use to buy ESSENTIAL MEDICINES for their HEART CONDITION. I can only hope that after this person passes away, the vessel for their dead body resides far into the ground and has various traps that would prevent their bloated corpse from reanimating and escaping again. FUCK YOU.
Sometimes we don’t get what we want. We might try sometimes and see that we get what we need. Aww yeah. I saw her today at the reception. Tina lives in Berlin, her voice so seldom on my machine is here tonight, and I’m on the market, and when I’m on the market words move fast. And you can dance for inspiration. Come on, I’m waiting. Get into the groove. We’ll lead the others on a ride through paradise. I’ve got the sweetest hangover that I don’t want to get over. Buckled bike rims hang from the trees and if you squint when the full moon captures the street, blind man you can see! Sole practitioner of his customs and know the RPM of your head twirl. All it takes, erase and make a better face. I don’t want to say goodbye, it’s better to stay.
Overall, the towel played an important role on the stage that is my life. In this metaphor, I am both a stage and an actor, in the same way an actor might both act in and produce their own movie. If I gave this towel lines to speak in my play, it would be greatly overshadowed by the technical prowess of Trevor Sam on his motocross bike. Towels play a major part in helping keep our society dry. Like, imagine if it was cold outside - wouldn’t want to be wet then huh smart aleck?